Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Retrospection, Part 2: She left me her phone

By: Why Bee
Image Credit: Tiffany Manalang

During that agonizing one week stay I had at the hospital, I rarely had companions who were relatives. My mom would leave me her phone so I could contact her whenever I needed something like food etc. I was very choosy because my stomach got constantly upset because of the amount of Antibiotics being injected into my body. I had to clean up every time I vomit and I felt sorry for the nurses and midwife that cleaned my bedding daily. I couldn't help it as I was too weak to get up most of the time, going to the comfort never seemed more difficult to me.

I was very envious of the people who shared the room with me, they had their loved ones around. The room was air-conditioned. The cold temperature was unbearable in the morning especially because of the constant evening rains. Call me selfish but doesn't anybody else yearn for their loved ones when they're weak? I knew my little sister was sick at home too, I did get a visit from a few relatives once, I just wished they stayed through the night with me. I had to change the linen on my back by myself and change my clothes even with a dextrose on by myself but I always told myself these were little things I could do by myself.

I'm a grown up, at 20 years old I don't need the aid of people to look after me when I'm sick, that's what I kept telling myself. It was hard breathing since water was accumulating inside my right lung, the diuretic made me urinate a lot and forced me to go to the comfort room frequently, the dextrose was like a cross I had to carry around. the person watching over my Room-mate offered me help from time to time and my temperature was at a constant 39.8 degrees or more, reaching 40.3 I could barely stand.
It was that cold night when I was expecting my mom to stay with me at the hospital because I was feeling really weak.

She left me her cellular phone so I could contact her. She did come during the afternoon, I asked her to buy Oats since it seemed like the only thing I could digest , my stomach would vomit anything else I ate. I was waiting for her for some time to come back from the store, but she didn't come. I sent her a message asking her where she was but she would not reply. I had a feeling she went straight home. Had I told her how bad my body felt she probably wouldn't have left me, but as the eldest son it's my duty to put myself last. I didn't show her how weak I felt even when I was frequently vomiting I held it in while she was around. Thinking I was alright she rushed home to tend to my little sister. This I confirmed when I asked my other sister if she was there.

She said sent me a message saying she would come back. But it was raining hard. It was deep into the night and I felt something bad could happen if she came such a long way just to stay with me. Although very reluctant and weak I asked her not to come and that I would be fine. She said "Thank you for understanding and I love you". Shortly after I kept sneezing, with every sneeze a lot of blood rushed out of my head and the doctors had to inject a few Vials of paracetamol because my fever was at around 40.5 degrees. My platelets were down and I felt I was crashing down. They were considering transfusion but I said I didn't need it, I had a legal waiver but I thought it was relieving to receive a friendly message even at such a painful trial.

Remembering what she said, I closed my eyes and told myself I would be alright. I came out fine, I felt good just remembering how she told me she loved me for the first time in a very long time. even if it wasn't in person, I think it was enough. Most of the time Pain is just a passing thing, whatever good we can take we should, life doesn't last long and neither do trials. My fever went down a few days after, although rather lonely at the hospital I learned to make the best out of my agonizing situation and as an elder brother, I had to set an example even when I was coughing up blood, Pain doesn't equal love, but that doesn't make it above finding even the slightest happiness. I may be selfish but I'm not that Selfish or heartless, I'm glad I have simple joys, otherwise that simple message would never have given me any strength at all.

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