Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Suicide: Thoughts of a Young Man; “You just want to get it over with and die”

There is no feeling quite like watching yourself slowly go crazy.

Clasping your chest and looking at your surroundings in fear, panting, heavy breathing, cold sweats, shivering, whimpering, mumbling and doing your best to keep your eyes open because you're afraid that if you close them they won't open again.

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Whispering to yourself in a corner, trying hard to remember your fragile hopes, dreams and ambitions.

Reminding yourself of the things that make you happy but they slip away anyway. Hitting yourself in the head as hard as you can so you won't forget your name. Hearing the beat of your heart and knowing it's not happy.

Retreating to the edge of your bed hoping no one will hurt you. Looking for a safe place but not even feeling safe in what should be your home.

Clawing at the wall, praying, hoping someone will hear you. Running away without a place to go, wishing you were anywhere but there.

Walking but feeling like you're standing in place. The worst part is realizing no one can understand you, not even yourself and the people you thought would help you are leaving you at your enemy's hands.

Then one day you wake up from a bad dream only to realize that waking up was walking into a nightmare. Because there is no nightmare quite like being in hell but having no place to find respite.

Then you end up hating life and lose a taste for the pleasures of living. Then you realize you just want to get it over with and die.

So you try it, but then you realize it is not you who deserves to die, it is the demons that brought you to such a low state who need to be punished.

You survive, damaged but alive. Swearing never again to be oppressed by the same foul creatures.

Suicide is never the answer, for the things you find too grave to forgive; just let them go and live your life.